Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Carhartts Jacket

 I had been unaccustomed to really cold winters, and was looking for a stylish yet functional coat. Imagine my surprise when my husband purchased me a Carhartts jacket. I figured why not? , it was snowing and I needed something to wear outside.
When the jacket arrived, it was…well it was…

Let’s just say it was as stiff as the frozen corpse I hoped not to be. The seaming in the shoulder area is so that I cannot raise my arms up very well. It’s boxy, certainly it wasn’t form flattering. I resembled a 1950’s Sci-Fi robot made from a cardboard box.
 I raced online to find what I could do to soften the fabric, not much as it turns out. Someone gave advice to work under a tractor all day in the mud and that would soften it up. From the reviews, I got the impression Carhartts were for people who led a more rugged lifestyle than city dwelling me. 

 I complained about the jacket near constantly, I would clomp around the apartment wearing it saying “Fire bad!” I think it began to hurt my husband’s man feelings. So I shut up and began to wear it more often.

One day at a bus stop, I saw a bunch of ladies in their flattering coats looking totally fashion forward and freezing. Whilst I stood among them, invulnerable in my iron lung of a jacket.  So really, it isn’t such a bad jacket after all. I can do lots in my Carhartts that you just can’t do with other jackets, so here are all the neato things I can do in a Carharrts Jacket; that I couldn't do before.  

Jacket on the car seat, the one time my husband fell and was covered in mud.

Fix a tractor tire

Catch a pig            

Wrap up a shivering Andy dog, when we get caught outside in the rain.

Fight a bear

Birth a calf           

 Fight another bear                                                         

Hide kittens from the S.S.                                        

Smoke an entire pack of Tom Waits

So thanks honey, for buying me a jacket to keep me warm, and do a multitude of other things in.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Save us Cesar Milan!

               I needed a few days to cool down before writing this post. 

 My husband and I received an email from our landlord saying that others in our building have complained about Periwinkle’s barking. The mail boxes are right outside our door and when they go to retrieve their mail, she gets right up against the door and barks at them. He recommended we stash the dogs in the bedroom when we go out. Because it is the room furthest from the door.  Hmmm lock my dogs in a small bedroom while we are out…hmmm…no.

  Nicholas became immediately concerned for the worst, for if we cannot control Periwinkle, we could get evicted based solely on her barking. We are not dog experts, but we did try a few things out. We have the sonic egg, it emits a sound dogs hate every time they bark, but Perry seems to be immune. We also tried a vibrating collar, so when she barks, its vibrates and distracts her. Perry practically overloaded the thing, it had no effect. The thunder shirt in my opinion was money down the drain. Doggie day care’s are crazy pricey and we just don’t have that kind of cash.

I went to a Doctor’s appointment, and thought my short absence might be a good time to try out the “Lock your dogs in a room” bit. Upon my return, I found Periwinkle had left me a note expressing her disapproval, a note she wrote in feces, under our bed. I have been hired on, at an office where I will be getting a regular 40 hour work week. So I won’t be home 24/7 to watch the dogs any more. This inconveniently coinciding with our neighbor’s complaint and our fear of eviction. I am one stressed out lady.

My husband had one suggestion...
      but I did not concur with him so we decided my way was best.  
 Perry is mental, she likes no one but me and Andy. She’s too stupid to learn any tricks, she snores louder than my husband. She wakes me up in the middle of the night for attention.  She hogs the couch, she won’t stop licking me, she’s a spoiled brat. But I hadn’t realized until the thought of losing her occurred, how much I am totally in love with the little terror. She’s my little puppy of barking horrors, and I am going to keep her.
Help me Cesar Milan!
 So my husband is graciously giving up a space in his man cave, to put in a dog pen with a square of grass for them to potty on. We are going to get a little radio for them to listen to so they won’t feel too lonely. It’s big enough for their beds and a dish for water. It’s not the furthest room from the front door, but any barking will be sufficiently obscured. Hopefully this will appease the neighbor’s. I am willing to do most anything it takes to alleviate  them of the occasional barking of a small shih-tzu, while they're getting their mail. I have heard it is healthy to write letters and never send them, about things that make you angry. So here is a letter to my neighbors, that I will never send.

Dear Neighbors,

I regret deeply that you have been inconvenienced by my dog Periwinkle’s barking, when you retrieve your mail. Or chat loudly in the echoing hallway outside our door with fellow neighbors. Sure the noise of your cackling resounding throughout our home has always irritated us, but hey, we do live in an apartment building. And we realize that when you live in close quarters with lots of other people, expect to hear noise now and again.

 Like our neighbors above us, who overload their washer daily, and I get to enjoy having my ceiling shake, as the machine booms and rattles. Or noise that only leaves me to conclude that they have 2 hyperactive babies that were unfortunately born with roller skates fused to their feet and bowling balls for hands, how else could you explain the cacophony of bombastic sounds pounding in your apartment every night?   
         But hey, that’s life, I wish them and their mutant children all the best.

  Or our neighbors who share the hallway with us, I don’t know how many of you live in there. But I’m sure your band is going to make it. You obviously smoke, because when you walk into the hallway. It is flooded with the overwhelming stink of a thousand cigarettes. Also, you’re friends find it necessary to park their behemoth SUV in front of the building at an angle taking up both parking spaces. But hey, I’m an artist too, and I understand, we’re rebels man, we can’t drive 55.  I just have one teensy request, please stop coming up to our front door and talking to our dogs, through the door. It’s weird, and only drives Periwinkle even more to barking. Yes, you were terribly surprised when you told my husband that your chit chatting to the door did nothing to sooth our fearful dog. That’s because you’re crazy, stop pestering our animals, and learn to take care of your own. Leaving your cat outside for days at a time while you’re on the road is terrible. You put the burden on the rest of us to look after her, and it’s not cool. Also, learn how to microwave popcorn without burning it, or find a new favorite snack.

 This is probably the least annoying place, we have lived really. We like the building and the neighbors we have met. We like the area, and it’s a place we plan on living in for a while. If I wanted to live in a place where I was never inconvenienced by other people’s lives, I would penny pinch and buy a house. To me it’s no big deal, that’s life, whatever.

 But hear me now, crazy lady. If you ever try to talk to my dogs again, so help me gawd. I will enter your apartment in the dead of night, scale what must be an unimaginable wall of Pabst blue ribbon cans. I will stand over you in the darkness where you sleep...and I will wash your stinky hair. Seriously, just because you’re in a band doesn’t mean you have to smell. I’m not kidding, one more dog talking session and I will febreeze your entire apartment!

  The husband, yeah it was him not the wife. heh heh