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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Big burly, girly


 Last week, I was having a peaceful/zen afternoon. Andy dog and I were outside, playing fetch, romping through nature, stealing strawberries out of the garden like mischievous hobbits. The sun was behind the trees, there was a fresh smell in the air, it was all so pleasant. Andy dog disappears into the tall grass for a small while. Next I hear hacking, coughing noises. I call Andy, who comes bounding out of the tall grass…COVERED IN DEER CRAP! Smothered in it really. 

He’s wagging his tail and hacking on poo, that he has surely got in his mouth. I dread to bring him inside the house, I’m worried he will dash into the living room and roll on the couch. I get the garden hose, turn it on, Andy is now poised to run, I try to hold him by the collar but he bolts like a jack rabbit.
 I yell for my husband to get his butt outside and help me. He tries to wrangle Andy, who at this point thinks we are playing with him.  Covered in nasty, running at break neck speed. Doing that thing excited dogs do, when they run, stop for dramatic pause then take off like a shot again. I’ve got my thumb on the stream of water hoping I can make it reach my poopy dog. He’s avoiding the water like a skilled ninja assassin.
I realize the hose water is probably really cold, we decide to maneuver Andy into the bathroom, I snap on latex gloves, get the Dawn soap and set to work on Andy. Who is regarding the pleasant warm water as punishment for his ninja antics. A week later, our landlords stopped by as their weekend house is next to our place. They had a new puppy, a wriggly, bouncy, adorable puppy. OH MAH GAWD!! So cute, so cute! Andy wasn’t a big a fan. 
 I text my husband about the new puppy and how cute she was. That evening when he arrived home, immediately…”I want to see the puppy!” We go over to our landlord’s place, have them wake the puppy up, because we are terrible people. My husband cradles the tiny sleepy puppy in his big hands.
 He is so in love with this puppy that he is loath to give her up. Finally, we wrestle the puppy from him and go home. He goes directly to the computer and starts looking up adoptable dogs online. I say no way, he says Andy needs a friend. I say it’s too much responsibility, but he knows I’m a sucker. If he brings home a dog, or somehow gets a dog in front of me in any way. I’ll crack, because I’m a complete sap. Heaven forbid he take me to a pound or shelter, I’ll cry and walk out of there with fifty dogs in my arms. So now he is trying to sell me on the idea that Andy needs a buddy.
In the meantime, he is treating Andy like a puppy. Every night he takes Andy outside  before bed, after which he dries Andy’s paws with a towel.  The other night, I watched as he wrapped Andy in a colorful beach towel and sang a silly song to him.

   I know if we get another dog, I’ll end up being the one who takes care of it or cleans it when it rolls in poop. But it’s like fat people and cake, I can’t help it when they’re right in front of me!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Zombie fabulous


Lately I have been blowing a bunch of monies on makeup and hair products, like a shallow ninny would do. Now some unfortunate incidences in recent news have got me thinking about more important matters. What have I done to prepare against the Zombie apocalypse?
 The Zompocalypse could come any day, lets face it. What could be worse than being devoured by hordes of hungry undead?  Being caught without your makeup on!  How embarrassing! Just because it’s the end of the world doesn’t mean you have to look it!
For eye shadow, I recommend the camo look. What better way to hide from ghoulish gorger's than with M.A.C.?

JUXT, HUMID and ESPRESSO

 The good thing about M.A.C. shadows is that the bulk of them have no scent! The last thing you want to do is go and give yourself away to those groaning leg draggers because of your smelly makeup! Make sure you use a good primer so your makeup will last all day. You're on the run from ferocious flesh eating fiends, you won't have time to look in a mirror! As for nail polish you can’t go wrong with China Glaze, because it lasts without chipping. I suggest in keeping with the camouflage motif. My vote is for “Tree hugger” and “GaGa for green” and add some brown with “Unplugged”.
            Even if you go zombie in the end, you'll still turn heads with this fun look. 
    A saucy leather belt to hang your machete on. Some cute combat boots from your local Army surplus store. (Heels will only make you zombie bait!) If you need to jazz your feet up, some hello kittie laces will work great. Need a dash of pink to your attire? A pink and black Walther P-22 hope edition hand gun may be just what you need. With proceeds benefiting the Susan G. Komen foundation.  What better way to say, I advocate for a cure for breast cancer by obliterating zombies?
 Now don't get ahead of yourself, you'll need a purse to stash all these accessories in. Again I recommend a trip to your local army surplus store for a fun vintage look. But killing zombies is hard work, you can go ahead and spoil yourself with a little luxury.
 Good luck in surviving zombie attack, ladies. If I find out how to make lip gloss out of dirt and tree bits I'll let you know.