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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Pictionary hates me


I was up all night playing a stupid video game. The following morning, 11am-ish, I get up and take Andy dog out to the yard so he can go to the bathroom. I’m squinting in the sunlight, when one of our landlords walks up and starts talking to me. She invites me over to hang out with other ladies and learn Spanish, she said something about carnitas.They’re nice enough ladies and are always inviting me to do things with them. I always decline, I’m not terribly social, but I don't want to be rude. In my pre coffee delirium I say yes.  
I show up at the shindig, with some beer.

 It’s 3 older women, speaking broken Spanish and making food. They are all old friends, conversation wise there is not much space for me to interject. We eat, and they try to convince me to join their choir. Next they set up to play Pictionary. They shake up the rules, you have to say what the picture is in Spanish.
My first picture I have to draw is Michael Jackson. Not the charming beer enthusiast/author. No, the flamboyant pop star, accused child molester confirmed crazy guy Michael Jackson. I draw a stick figure wearing one glove. My partner guesses baseball mitt. I draw a stick figure wearing one glove, grabbing his groin. My partner says Michael Jackson.  Yay we win that round! We all have a laugh at my silly stick figure drawing. I say, “I would have drawn a nervous kid next to him but the timer was running out.”
                                The laughter stops. Oh boy. Anyway…….
The game of Spanish Pictionary proceeds normally. It’s my turn to pick a card again, I get Princess Diana.  Awww C'mon!  It’s hard enough tip toeing around their delicate sensibilities. Without the gods of Pictionary messing with me. The image below is a reproduction of what I drew.


My partner guesses Princess Diana right away. Everyone wants to see what I drew. Then, like older women tend to do. They start chatting on and on about poor Princess Diana. And how they all felt a connection with her, and always thought they were so much alike and how the world lost a hero and so on. I pipe in “What the heck did Princess Diana do that made her such a saint to everyone?  Mother Theresa died like 2 days after Diana, and nobody gave a crap. Can someone explain what Princess Diana did that was so amazing?”

They all three paused. Until one of them said “She was really pretty.” Another “Yes and she had a great sense of fashion, she was like a breath of fresh air in that family.” “I think she did charity work didn’t she?”
I said “Yes she gave to charity but all the royals do. It’s how they pretend to be involved with everyday people. But throwing money at a situation really doesn’t compare to what Mother Theresa did for people, despite being slightly crazy.”

As though they were trying to strike a compromise one of them suggested. “I think Mother Theresa died when she did, to comfort Princess Diana in Heaven.” They all “Awwwed” at each other as though it were the nicest thing they ever heard of. I told them that was a stupid idea. I guess the moral of the story is, unless you’re my grandmother. I probably shouldn’t be around old ladies.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Face Palm Gun


When people do or say something of immense stupidity. If they realize it in time, they face palm themselves. Also people around the person in question may face palm themselves out of disbelief or frustration. Face palming one’s self, is signaling to others that you realize you’ve said or done something  idiotic. I face palm at least once a day, usually before 10 am. Face palm is a healthy activity, it lets others know, that you’re not so stupid that you don’t realize how stupid you can be.
However, there are people in the world who have never heard of face palm. Or perhaps they are too self absorbed to notice they have just acted like a twit.
That’s why I’ve invented, the face palm gun. 
It’s not terribly portable, but it looks so cute I think it could accessorize any outfit.  
How it works, is if someone says something of unforgivable stupidity and they haven’t the awareness to face palm themselves. You use the face palm gun to do it for them. Lets call it a correction. So if someone makes an idiotic statement, and doesn’t face palm. 
Simply correct them.
Face palm gun sends a life like latex hand slamming into the persons face at a comfortable speed of 35 mph. I think probably 30 percent of the population needs one of these.  Especially around voting time. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

The blackout


Incidentally I happen to be reading about cannibalism when the blackout happened.
Growing up in a desert climate, there were black outs all the time. But they were always fun, because we knew we could do things like not freeze to death. But it’s winter in the North West. We have been snowed in for 2 days.
It got cold fast, our place is insulated for crap! My husband and I tried to go bed early, 6pm, thinking if we cuddle under all our blankets we can stay warm. But we just can’t sleep. My husband  went outside and used his propane burner to boil two giant 6 gallon pots of snow water. We bring them into the bedroom and the heat from the water kept us warm all night, go husband! Aside from thermodynamics, I learned there is no such thing as changing clothes in a winter black out when it’s 30 degrees in your home. There are only more layers of clothing. There are also stages of cold immersion. 

Stage 1 You put on your hoodie and wear socks in the house. Feel bad ass and optimistic.
Stage 2 You put on slippers and wear a carhartts jacket in the house. Think a lot about the Lewis and Clark expedition and eat Swedish fish candy because you can’t cook anything. 

Stage 3 You are now huddled in a blanket with your dog, who is also wearing a sweater. There is no stage 4, not really, you go from stage 3 straight to stage 12. Were you look like one of the sand people, and say silly things like “Protect the fire!” and  “Remember showers?”
The hours grow longer and you long for a spooky drifter with a pizza. Then suddenly the power is back on, the roads are cleared and you rush into town to buy food staples like latte’s and chicken tikka masala.   

"Sand-people easily scare, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.” ~ Obi-Wan Kenobi